Loser Love Diaries 3

It seems to me after two vaguely romantic encounters in clubs (hence, "vaguely") during my vacation from Munich, Germany and then throughout Poland that women don't generally want Mr. Unexpected.

As far as I see it, I'm the type who yearns for more than a kiss. That's not to say I want sex right out of the gate, but rather to share meaningful experiences with a girl. Now, of course, that's rather open-ended and could mean a variety of things, but when I say spending "meaningful" time with another person, it means maintaining eye contact, laughing, smiling and having a good time with someone else while talking.

Now this is funny. Because I'm the desperately lonely one who is looking for a companion. It's usually the guy who goes out of his way to be nice, buy a girl a drink and go the full nine yards for sex or some otherwise intimate experience -- and then has no intention of speaking with her again.

I'm the one then -- remember, despite being a man -- who seeks to continue talking. This is most likely because I can be clingy. But now, after these two experiences, I get the feeling that women are actually attracted to me when I don't act clingy, but rather my confident self.

What I should do is not put so much stock into each and every girl I meet. Consider it defeatism or whatever you want, but I'm becoming increasingly more comfortable with the idea that I will not have a girlfriend any time soon -- that is, especially if I am looking for one. I've been told the key is not to look.

And here's some more self-psycho-analysis (that I know you're well-and-truly dying to hear): my sense of loneliness only stems from my need to be around people all the time. You see, my roommates both have girlfriends (including the female one), so this leaves me all alone quite often. It doesn't help that my German friends need days' notice in advance to hang out. I realized this on my aforementioned trip to Poland as most of the time was spent with my friend Piotrek and despite our deep gazes at the country's bounty of beautiful women, I never felt the sheer loneliness I do at my apartment in Frankfurt -- and this only makes me realize that my search for a girlfriend has only been patchwork to a greater problem: not being able to be alone.

The way I see it, a girlfriend is someone with whom you make time for, go out of your way to spend time with and [hopefully] enjoy spending time together -- with my friends, I find they're often busy when I ask them to hang out, perhaps a result of this stereotypical German need to know several days in advance of plans.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not disliked and people don't find me un-charasmatic (this is a sort of roundabout way of saying something without sounding too pretentious). In fact, one of this girls I kissed could not believe I have never had a girlfriend nor had sex before. So while my façade on the outside may seem sane, normal, healthy, there is a deeper problem. I'm sure of it.

To me, the annoyance, mess, noise and hassle of living with someone else is largely always worth the company. Shame then, that my roommates rarely have as much time for me as I do them as they've found their "ones."